Now You Find Out How Crazy I Really Am....

There has been a lot on my mind during the past four months especially concerning our recent election. I will spare you my personal reflections of the election because this is a running blog, not a political blog. But there are some interesting forces in our changing world. All of a sudden the bullies are back and they are ready to wreck our world in ways we have yet to imagine. I don't care what your political beliefs are, but when you observe the president elect; he exhibits the classic traits of a school-yard bully. There is the name calling, setting the tone, and my personal favorite, playing the victim. There is also the ruthless pursuit of making something completely false the truth as well as viciously attacking anyone who disagrees. I can't wait untill that guy has command of our nuclear arsenal and the greatest army in the world, including the Obama anonymous death drones.  Yes, Obama did have robotic drones that could "neutralize" terrorists anywhere in the world.

Anyway all of this made me reflect back on my youth.

Look at that little guy. Cute as a button, happy like a buddha and fatter than a little piglet. It's amazing how 15 years of bullying can shape your perception of yourself. I will be brutally honest about myself. I still struggle with a negative self image to this very day. I know I am not the only one out there who is trying to repair the emotional damage of their youth. But then again maybe bullying isn't completely a bad thing. I don't think I would have ever run a marathon, let alone a 3 hour marathon, if I hadn't been bullied. When you get constantly beaten down by the world you develop what I call a revenge factor.  I want to personally approach every person who ever bullied me and politely shove my running medals up every possible orifice that exists on the human body. If they were particularly nasty to me I would create some new holes as well. I was always told I was creative and that way I get to be called an artist.

 I was always the reject in school, constantly picked on because of my weight. Even better I had breasts before the girls in my school did. I grew up in the last generation before bully awareness became a thing. There was no support system for those of us who got bullied, nor advocacy groups. What there were were enablers, such as my high school gym teacher who told me after I got a concussion from getting beaned in the head with a medicine ball, that I wouldn't get picked on if I wasn't such a pussy. What a nice guy; my would I love to be beat him over the head with one of my running trophies. By this point your're probably getting a little uncomfortable. You're probably hovering over the exit button. Good, but unlike our president I will compromise because this is a running blog after all, so let's get to the good stuff.

I don't know if I'm isolated in this feeling, but do you ever feel that no matter how well you do or how hard you try it isn't good enough? I've had that feeling after every race and every practice I have ever done. Sometimes the endeavor feels like a total failure. In my mind when I do succeed, there is little time for accomplishment and instead the page must immediately be turned. I can tell you for a fact that this drives my friends and family absolutely crazy. They want me to revel in the accomplishment of the moment, while my immediate focus is to turn that page. I wonder if there are others like me in the running community. I know I get it from my childhood and associated depression and mental disorders, but I can't be the only one.  I know many you go right to the facebook brag and that is ok, you just did something worth screaming out to the world. In my last post, I alluded to the faxt that there is a whole lot of beating each other up in the running community as opposed to lifting each other up.

If you have gone through something similar to what I have or even if you haven't spoken up for yourself, let your voice be heard. It was through 20 years of just blindly believing the bullies and the doubters that I developed such a negative self image that still owns me to this day. If you look back on that picture I am legitimately smiling. I haven't smiled like that in years even though I acknowledge I have plenty to smile about. But as they say, it is what it is. I will keep working on eliminating those demons. I will also keep pounding out the miles as Boston closes in. I will keep competing hard, as I know most of you will too. We are runners, we don't believe in quitting or in compromise when our world tries to take our running away from us.